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The Bitter Reality of Sibling Rivalry

The school summer holidays can and should be a fun time for the whole family but it can also be a time of disruption and difficulty for many parents with more than one child at home. Sarah Sadler, Managing Director at Organised Mum (and mum of two) believes that sibling rivalry is something that spans many generations…

And then there were two…

The transition between being a one-child family and the arrival of a second child seems to be one of much debate. Dr. Miriam Stoppard believes that the perfect age gap between siblings is two and a half years - when the second child is at an age where they can be reasoned with.

This all makes perfect sense, in theory. In reality, reasoning with a young toddler can be extremely difficult, if not impossible. It is often hard to believe that so much personality can be packed into such a small body and it is important to remember that every child is different and reacts differently to the arrival of a sibling.

I have a number of friends with more than one child, and the truth is nobody can really predict the effect that a second child will have on the first. Some people believe that having two children over the age of one is easier than just having one child based on the theory that they can keep each other amused.

Either way, it will always take time for the first child to get used a new baby vying for its mother’s affections. Getting the elder child involved in the baby’s routine early on helps to make them feel included.

Let the games begin…

The main problem with sibling arguments is trying to find the right balance between adult interference and stepping back to allow them to find their own solutions. It really is a vicious circle because if you interfere too much, it ends up being you in the wrong and if you do nothing then you probably risk all-out war in your home which isn’t really the ideal scenario to live in.

I’ve quickly learned that it is unrealistic to expect children to spend their lives playing beautifully, with never a cross word between them. Once in a while it is worth secretly watching how they behave together. It will give you a real insight into who exactly does have the upper hand in their relationship. In many family homes the law of the jungle is used with regard to sibling rivalry – the toughest wins, the kids develop a pecking order and (within the home) it’s peaceful, or at least it is most of the time.

Schools out for summer…

Certainly one of the most difficult times of the year is the school holidays. Siblings have to relearn how to get on with each other for extended periods of time – get used to each other’s traits and try to indulge in some give and take. Usually the middle part of the holidays is the best time. Siblings tend not be completely fed up with each other at this stage but they’ve learned to cope with each other. The beginnings and the ends of the holidays are of course a different matter!

Planning activity week by week really helps as it means there is always an answer to “what are we going to do today?” Expecting your children to stay at home with nothing to do day after day is a recipe for disaster, but on the flipside having a strict time table that you can never waiver from will also lead to dissatisfaction, especially for younger children if they’re being dragged along to watch the older one swim or play football.

As I am sure most parents can relate to, a lasting thought that often comforts me during the moments of constant bickering is the speed at which a sibling argument can end and then they’re playing together again without a care in the world. It is amazing and makes me realise that these arguments aren’t important from their perspective and when all is said and done they are incredibly good friends. I truly hope it will always be this way.

About the Author

Sarah Sadler is the Managing Director of Organised Mum www.organisedmum.co.uk. A company she set up when her second daughter arrived as it became all too obvious that she needed to remember important dates and events. She also found that mundane problems like a car service needed careful planning with a newborn and a toddler in tow.

As the children have grown Organised Mum’s range has increased to include a range of different planners, calendars, diaries and organisers that help busy mums to stay organised whatever age their children are.