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Childcare and ParentingGrandparentsIf, like me, you have seen more of your parents since you’ve had children than you did for about 20 years previously then it will come as no surprise that six out of ten families use grandparents as child carers during the course of a year.But it might come as a surprise to learn that most grandparents childmind without payment and the Daycare Trust estimates that the value of this informal service is over £1 billion a year. That’s quite a lot of charitable care being dished out. While many older people enjoy caring for grandchildren, others may wish, or need to, continue formal employment; or may regard their later life as a time to pursue leisure interests or learning opportunities. But it might come as a surprise to learn that most grandparents childmind without payment and the Daycare Trust estimates that the value of this informal service is over £1 billion a year. That’s quite a lot of charitable care being dished out. While many older people enjoy caring for grandchildren, others may wish, or need to, continue formal employment; or may regard their later life as a time to pursue leisure interests or learning opportunities. Are they being denied a fair retirement by the increasing demands on working parents time and our thinly stretched childcare setup in the UK? Indeed, some Grandparents are still enjoying an active work life themselves. In the last few years grandparents have attracted growing interest from UK researchers, perhaps partly because the government has acknowledged the valuable role that grandparents play in supporting parents and children and providing lasting stability. As divorce rates soar, Grandparents often are the main stabiliser in a family and the main point of refuge for children when things are difficult emotionally. The Daycare Trust states that seventy percent of employed women with dependent children use informal childcare by friends, neighbours or family for all or part of their childcare. Given the high cost of private childcare, this is not unexpected but it does highlight yet again the way that our society has not kept up with the changing roles of women. Each week a quarter of families with children under-15 use a grandparent to provide childcare (around 1,740,000 families) and where grandparents provide childcare they do so for an average of 15.9 hours per week. So what are the rules for Grandparents looking after children? It’s called ‘informal’ care because it’s not considered to be a job of work, more a labour of love. That doesn’t mean you can’t pay your parents should you wish to, for food, petrol, money to take your children out and of course, the care they give. It isn’t considered necessary though political parties are waking up to the amount of care given by Grandparents. The Conservatives are yet to unveil their manifesto plans for childcare but said in November 04 they would increase maternity pay and pay the child tax credit in cash to parents to spend as they like, on a nanny, au pair or even a family member, such as a grandparent, acting as a carer. They say they are also considering tax relief on childcare costs. It will be interesting to see what the race for votes shakes out that will benefit Grandparents so keep a close eye on the election campaigns. Given the amount of free labour they are giving to the economy, it is also perhaps surprising that there are no financial breaks whatsoever for grandparents – no allowance, no tax breaks, no subsidies, no grants, nothing. And you might argue that there shouldn’t be – isn’t it all part of the family role to take care of the grandchildren? I expect many grandparents would also dismiss the need for financial recompense but there are many who could probably use the extra help as they themselves are being used instead of private childcare out of economic necessity. However, there is a way round this. Grandparents who wish to be paid for looking after children, perhaps being interested in looking after more than just their own grandchildren can now be registered as childminders and get support and training in their role as a professional child carer. If a Grandparent is also still working, then should not flexible working be applicable to them too? Gordon Lishman, Director General of Age Concern England, says: "Grandparents are more important than ever. They offer incredible support to their families, particularly their grandchildren. This is demonstrated by the amount of money saved in paying for childcare. " Grandparents can be the unsung heroes in family life and their support often goes unrecognised. Age Concern is campaigning for the same flexible working rights for grandparents and carers, as parents now get, so they can work and still offer support to their families." Parenting classes aimed at grandparents are also becoming more common. Think of them as refresher classes. The Glasgow Southern General Hospital runs antenatal classes for grandparents to teach them the importance of breastfeeding, as a lot of grannies used to bottle feed. Other topics include cot-death prevention, car safety and how to spot post-natal depression in a new mum. The monthly classes are well attended. But understandably, not all grandparents are willing and enthusiastic childminders. There is evidence to suggest that grandparents, particularly those with a partner who is unwell, find the childcare role difficult. Many find it hard to say no because they have an emotional investment in their families. They are aware of the high cost of childcare, but they are taking on children at a time when they are ready to take it easy and it can put a strain on relations when this happens. If you do want to approach Grandparents to ask about childcare, it can be a very tricky thing. As we’ve already said, many Grandparents are looking forward to seeing their Grandchildren socially; spending quality time with them and then handing them back. So to ask them to become effectively regular carers could put them into a situation where they don’t feel comfortable but are hardly likely to say no to their own children, i.e. you. Lorraine Thomas, our Parent Coach expert, has come across this situation many times. She says: “Asking your mum or dad to support you with childcare is a big decision and it's good to think carefully about it before you do it. You have a special relationship with your parents and enlisting their help with childcare can bring huge benefits - and huge challenges for all of you so consider the issues before you ask them.” Lorraine has given us some great tips on how to approach your parents or in-laws to ask for help: Questions you may want to think about asking are, for example: - How would you feel about looking after the children on a regular basis when I am at work? What would you enjoy most about it? - What would be the most challenging aspects of it for you? - How could I help to support you with those challenging bits? - How much support would you feel able to give me - any time would be great. (remember that you may need 4 days' cover but mum may only feel up to 1 - so make this easy for her to say). Focus on asking open-ended questions, not closed ones so that your parents have the chance to talk about how they feel rather than just say yes or no. Make sure this is a time when you listen with your eyes, your ears and your heart to what they are saying to you. Ask good questions and let them do the talking. If Mum says she can't manage for whatever reason - reassure her that this is fine with you and that it has no negative impact on your relationship with her or the children. Set up a probationary period. Neither of you can tell in advance how it will work and it is important that neither of you feel that you are entering into a permanent arrangement without knowing how it is going to work out. It is also important to make sure that you thank your parents. As Lorraine says: “Write a note to thank them for listening - whether they say yes or no. Tell them all of the things you really appreciate about them. We don't do that often enough!” Archives |
